In tha Belly of tha Dirtnap God
by Rikkudo
Summary: When trapped up in tha belly of tha Shinigami fo' all Eternity, even da most thugged-out bitta of enemies can come ta a understanding. In which Minato befriendz his half of tha Kyūbi.


**Summary:** When trapped up in tha belly of tha Shinigami fo' all Eternity, even da most thugged-out bitta of enemies can come ta a understanding. In which Minato befriendz his half of tha Kyūbi.

 **Disclaimer:** Da Naruto franchise is owned by Masashi Kishimoto, Shueisha, Studio Pierrot, TV Tokyo, n' Viz collectively. Please support tha straight-up legit release.

 **Author's Note:** Also, on a far, far more serious note. This is a PARODY. I repeat, this is a PARODY. The real story is on my main account under the penname Duesal Bladesinger, and it's called "In the Belly of the Death God". I just thought it'd be hilarious if I converted the entire story into freestyle.

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 **In tha Belly of Dirtnap God**

Chapta 1

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Konohaz Yellow Flash was a legendary figure renowned fo' his battle prowess, admired fo' his charisma, n' loved fo' his fuckin leadership.

But wit enough of a push, even legendz come crashin down.

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Da birth was a gangbangin' finger-lickin' hard as fuck affair fo' Kushina. Compounded wit tha regular dangerz of a cold-ass lil childbirth, dat biiiiatch was exhausted by tha strain of keepin tha Kyūbi imprisoned within its seal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Da beast could feel its prison weakenin afta muthafuckin yearz of torment n' it wanted _out_ , so it fought like never before. But they'd anticipated this, tha possibilitizzle of tha Kyūbiz escape, so they'd taken Kushina ta a secret location outside of tha hood fo' tha birth. By dis reasoning, _if_ tha Kyūbi escaped, at least Konoha might escape tha full force of its wrath.

But Minato didn't wanna even _think_ bout dat possibilitizzle as da perved-out muthafucka sat by his hoez bedside stiff as a funky-ass board, listenin ta her groanz of agony, bustin his dopest ta help her keep tha Kyūbi contained within its prison. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da thought of game without her terrified him, n' every last muthafuckin scream she made busted a stabbin fear all up in his thugged-out ass.

Eventually afta a thugged-out drawn-out, gut-wrenchin moment, Kushina sobbed wit relief n' a freshly smoked up voice let up a tiny wail as Minato was handed his son.

Minato marveled all up in tha fact dat da thug was a gangbangin' daddy n' shiznit yo. Him! But his hoez shudderin gasps quickly brought his ass outta his fuckin lil' daze.

"Kushina!" Dude carefully gave his fuckin lil hustla ta Biwako whoz ass was servin as a nurse before rushin ta his hoez side yo. Her red afro spilled round her head up in a messy pool, n' her grill was sickly pale n' shimmerin wit sweat yo. Her eyes was slightly glazed n' her breath was uneven. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude grabbed her hand, feelin her clammy skin suck tha heat outta him, n' dat dunkadelic hoe turned her exhausted gaze his way. "M-Minato, biatch? Wherez Naruto, biatch? Wherez our son?"

And dat was when Minato heard _him_.

"Yondaime Hokage, give up tha Kyūbi or yo' lil hustla dies."

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"Minato," Kushina gasped. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude could hear tha strain of Narutoz birth up in her voice, tha strain of havin tha Kyūbi ripped from inside her n' shit. That dat biiiiatch was still conscious was a miracle up in of itself yo, but Kushina defied all oddz by managin ta restrain tha Kyūbi wit her golden chakra chains. But Minato knew dem wouldn't last forever, n' neither would Kushina fo' realz. Afta all, tha creature was so massive dat even when pinned ta tha ground it towered above tha forest canopy.

"Minato," her big-ass booty holla'd again, "itz cuz he our son," her voice faltered as dat thugged-out biiiatch coughed, blood spillin outta her grill fo' realz. As she moved, tha chains comin outta her back shifted n' his schmoooove ass could hear tha sound of metal groanin up in protest as tha Kyūbi fought against dem wild-ass muthafuckas. Da sight made Minatoz eyes stin n' his cold-ass throat constrict n' his thugged-out ass ache up in his chest. "It aint nuthin but cuz Narutoz our lil hustla dat I don't want his ass ta bear such a heavy burden!"

But wit mo' than half tha hood leveled n' most of his wild lil' forces dead or severely wounded, Minato no longer had any other chizzle yo. Dude smiled at his hoe n' all up in tha tiny, tiny lil pimp chillin up in her arms, straight-up ignorin tha rumblin growlz of tha giant beast behind his muthafuckin ass.

"Dude has nuff trials he'll gotta face, tha least of which is tha maxed playa dat set tha Kyūbi loose." Minatoz eyes narrowed momentarily. _Uchiha Madara_. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Such power, ta be all kindsa phat at such a oldschool age yo. His gaze softened when his fuckin lil hustla stirred up in his chill, n' despite tha thang tha cornerz of his fuckin lips twitched up in a lil' small-ass smile. "But itz cuz he our lil hustla dat I _know_ his schmoooove ass can handle it yo. Dude will open up tha future as a jinchūriki," Kushina flinched all up in tha word yo, but Minato forged on, "I don't give a fuck how tha fuck yo, but I be sure!"

"But . . . Minato . . ."

Minato turned n' strutted all dem yardz away.

"Minato, _please biaatch!_ "

Dude closed his wild lil' fuckin eyes. This was tha end of tha line fo' his muthafuckin ass.

"Kushina," he murmured, drawin tha straight-up last of his strength up in a gangbangin' final burst, shapin tha chakra wit a single handsign, "letz believe up in his muthafuckin ass."

Dude felt a thugged-out deep chill as his thugged-out ass left his body. Dat shiznit was comparable ta jumpin headlong tha fuck into tha wataz of a gangbangin' frozen lake, tha way tha cold robbed his ass of all warmth n' juiced it up hard ta move yo. Dude was half certain dat his breath should done been visible up in cloud-like puffs, despite it only bein fall yo. Dude didn't gotta look behind his ass ta know dat tha Shinigami now had his fuckin lil' damned ass up in its grasp.

There was no goin back now, nahmeean?

"Afta all," his schmoooove ass continued, "Narutoz our child."

Kushinaz grill crumpled as dat freaky freaky biatch hugged they lil hustla ta her chest yo, but before dat thugged-out biiiatch could say anythang tha ground shook as tha Kyūbi snarled up in its pimped out voice, causin Minato ta turn n' grill it yo. Hatred was a rare emotion fo' Minato yo, but up in front of tha beast dat had doomed his hoe ta die, dat schmoooove muthafucka had it up in spades.

 **"Yondaime biaaatch! I'ma destroy you before you have tha chizzle ta seal me again!"**

As Minato peeped it, tha monsta dat had laid waste ta his hood fuckin started savagely rippin itself free of tha nuff chakra chains holdin it down.

Dude breathed in, long n' deep, n' tha def autumn air filled his fuckin lungs n' cleared his crazy-ass mind.

"To forsake mah ghetto n' hood would be tha same as forsakin mah child. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Yo ass whose birth hood is up in ruins know dat all too well. Life is harsh fo' dem without a land ta booty-call home. Kushina . . ." Minato turned ta peep his hoe n' saw tha tears streamin down her grill as tha hope fled from her eyes yo. Dude didn't let it affect his muthafuckin ass. _Couldn't_ let it affect his muthafuckin ass. "Our crew is ninja, n' our crazy asses gotz a thugged-out duty ta our cribs fo' realz. All of us."

Kushina choked back a sob n' Minato shifted his wild lil' freakadelic gaze ta his chillin son, eyes tracin over tha whisker-like lines dat marked his chubby cheeks. Behind him, tha Shinigami shifted up in warning, tha blade held between its teeth glowin a lil' bit brighter n' shit. Its meanin was clear: one way or another dat shiznit was leavin wit a ass. Whether dat ass was Minato n' tha Kyūbi or just Minato was entirely up ta his muthafuckin ass yo. Dude was hustlin outta time. "Goodbye, Kushina. I be bout ta always ""

Dude was cut short as tha Kyūbi, no diggity sensin its impendin doom, ripped straight-up free of Kushinaz chakra chains. Minato heard her gasp as she nearly fell tha fuck flat on her back, n' tha Kyūbiz deafenin roar blasted tha air as it lunged forward.

Dude narrowed his wild lil' fuckin eyes. "Too slow!"

Death plunged its arm all up in his body, n' fo' tha last time Minato understood what tha fuck it meant ta be mortal, ta be all up in tha mercy of tha inexorable march of time yo. How tha fuck fragile n' inconsequential game straight-up was yo. How tha fuck brief yo. Dude peeped it as tha Kyūbiz eyes widened dramatically, as a gangbangin' fresh batch of Kushinaz chains ensnared it while it felt tha ethereal arm of tha dirtnap god clawed its way tha fuck into its ass.

Frozen up in dirtnapz grasp, tha Kyūbi peeped wit wide, horrified eyes. **"Yo ass . . . Yo ass actually ""** It could probably peep tha Reaper now dat dat shiznit was at its mercy. But dat shiznit was far too late fo' both it, n' fo' Minato.

Dude barely had enough juice left ta stand yo, but somehow found it within his dirty ass ta complete his cold-ass technique. "Seal!"

Just like that, tha Shinigamiz arm _pulled_ , n' a massive blob of tha densest chakra Minato had eva felt up in his wild lil' freakadelic game, denser by far than even Kushina's, plunged all up in his ass n' straight tha fuck into tha Shinigamiz waitin grill yo. Dude staggered at its weight, all up in tha _power_. Da skin on his stomach burned as tha residual juice shaped itself tha fuck into tha mark of tha Reaper, n' tha chakra was forever sealed within tha Shinigamiz belly.

When he opened his wild lil' fuckin eyes, he gave a weak chuckle as da perved-out muthafucka saw a much smalla Kyūbi snarlin n' strugglin against tha chains dat held it down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. "Such strength," Minato gasped. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "To be thinkin dat even tha Shinigami could not straight-up subdue you, biatch."

Yo, suddenly, tha foxz pimped out red eyes filled wit a shitty rage, n' it _roared_ , **"YONDAIME! HOW DARE YOU!"**

In tha strength of a funky-ass berserker rage, it tore tha chains all off of its body n' lunged, erectly guessin Minatoz intentions fo' realz. As Minato saw tha sharpened ivory of tha beastz claws aimed straight fo' his son, he acted entirely on instinct.

Yo, so too, it seemed, did his hoe.

Da Kyūbiz claw pierced dem both wit a wet splat yo, but they was enough ta stop it short, mere inches away from tha baby.

Da monsta screamed wit fury as dat shiznit was sealed inside a newborn yo, but Minato didn't care. Konoha was safe. Naruto was safe fo' realz. And he'd took a dirt nap while holdin Kushina up in his thugged-out arms.

With that, his schmoooove ass closed his wild lil' fuckin eyes as tha Shinigami devoured his thugged-out ass.

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 **" _You._ "**

Minatoz eyes snapped open all up in tha boomin hate-filled voice n' immediately narrowed at what tha fuck was up in front of his muthafuckin ass. Dat shiznit was tha Kyūbi yo, but not tha one Minato remembered. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This one was tha same ol' dirty size as tha one he'd sealed tha fuck into Naruto "but itz fur was a much darker shade of red. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! A massive length of chain was lodged up in tha fur of its chest, n' Minatoz eyes trailed tha metal links until he found dat tha other end was lodged up in his own chest.

"Me," Minato agreed, mo' than a lil bitternizz up in his voice. If they was both goin ta be bound together up in tha Shinigamiz belly fo' Eternity, dat schmoooove muthafucka had no intention of cowerin before tha creature dat capped his hoe n' tried ta bust a cap up in his child.

Da beastz eyes narrowed ta tiny, smolderin slits, lookin fo' all tha ghetto like hellfire by tha way they seemed ta glow.

Then it lunged, pimped out jaws snapping, n' Minato leaped high tha fuck into tha air, twistin n' hammerin a instantly-formed rasengan down onto tha creaturez back.

It felt like weeks before they stopped. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! For whatever reason, they never chillaxed up in dis state. Their fuck-ups would only last fo' secondz before tha wild-ass bullshit n' tha damage evaporated, not a god damn thang mo' than a memory.

They did not pause ta wonder or question yo, but only fought harder n' mo' recklessly than before. They both had nuff anger: Minato fo' his fuckin lost crew n' his wounded village, n' tha Kyūbi fo' his weakened state n' his freshly smoked up prison.

But even so, it eventually became clear dat neither of dem had (or eva _would_ have) tha upper hand. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da Kyūbi was no longer bangin enough ta obliterate his ass on command, n' while Minato was no longer handicapped up in his need ta protect his wild lil' fellow villagers, he also no longer had his cold-ass trump cardz of Kushinaz chakra chains or tha Reaper Dirtnap Seal.

Yo, so they simply backed away, glarin at each other all tha while. Then tha Kyūbi snarled n' looked away without a word, inspectin its surroundings fo' tha last time, even as Minato seized tha opportunitizzle ta do tha same.

Now dat dat schmoooove muthafucka had tha chizzle ta look without tryin ta stay tha fuck away from slashin talons n' snappin jaws, da perved-out muthafucka saw dat dat shiznit was neither night nor day. It make me wanna hollar playa! There was light comin from tha distant horizizzle yo, but only barely wit no discernible source like tha sun or moon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. There was no stars shinin up in tha darknizz up above. Da land round dem was a gangbangin' flat n' barren wasteland "not dat he'd expected tha Shinigamiz belly ta be up in any way fertile. Da ground was dry n' cracked, n' tha few plants up in sight was long dead n' quickly crumblin ta dust.

Da area round dem was scarred wit battle. Rifts up in tha ground dat marked where tha Kyūbi had slashed at Minato yo, but he'd managed ta slip away up in tha nick of time yo. Here n' there tha ground had turned slightly glassy afta tha Kyūbiz attempts ta simply do away wit its hated enemy wit a single technique "it'd missed, of course yo, but Minato could certainly appreciate tha power.

 **"Keh!"** Minato looked up in surprise as tha Kyūbi made tha straight-up original gangsta noise since they arrived dat wasn't a roar or a insult. Well shiiiit, it turned its massive head one way then tha other n' its brows drew together, signifyin displeasure up in what tha fuck it saw "or tha lack thereof. **"Is there _nothing_ up in dis desolate wasteland?"**

Minato hummed thoughtfully, before saying, "I would imagine not." Those burnin eyes snapped ta his wild lil' form yo, but afta weekz of nonstop fightin he'd long since lost anythang even resemblin fear fo' tha Kyūbi. "We up in tha Shinigamiz stomach, afta all. I'd be straight-up surprised if we eva found anythang kickin it."

Da Kyūbi snarled as its tails writhed behind it, n' it slammed a taloned hand ta tha ground, bobbin it wit tha force of a lil' small-ass earthquake. Minato didn't so much as twitch. **"You've doomed our asses both ta a wretched existence, Yondaime biaaatch! Now we will wander dis desert fo' Eternitizzle until our phat asses drive each other mad!"**

Minato looked sidelong all up in tha snarlin beast, his wild lil' fuckin eyes slightly shadowed by long yellow hair. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. "Yo ass forced mah hand, Kyūbi. Yo ass laid waste ta mah village, tried ta bust a cap up in mah son, n' _succeeded_ up in cappin' me n' mah hoe." Dude felt his cold-ass teeth grind yo, but didn't bother ta reign his bangin rage in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. "That you was bein controlled by tha maxed playa do not matter "you was simply too fucked up ta be allowed ta wander free."

Dude peeped it as itz eyes widened wit suttin' resemblin surprise before they narrowed ta venomous slits, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. **"What tha fuck iz it wit you Hokages?"** it hissed, voice drippin wit contempt. **"Yo ass peep dat suttin' is fucked up n' decizzle ta do away wit dat shit. But aren't you humans mo' fucked up ta each other by far, biatch? Haven't you shinobi caused far mo' pain n' sorrow than I eva could?"**

Minato stared back, his wild lil' grill impassive as it leaned up in close, steamin air puffin all up in its nostrils. **"Da night of our sealin I destroyed all dem buildings n' ended tha livez of at most half a thousand mortals. But yo slick ass?"** Minato frowned eva so slightly, his wild lil' freakadelic gaze goin just a lil' bit harder yo, but tha Kyūbi only gave a thugged-out dark chuckle. **"Kushinaz seal wasn't absolute, you know. I heard thangs, sometimes saw thangs. Do you know how tha fuck Kushina reacted when her dope ass discovered tha playa she loved had murdered mo' than a thousand Iwa shinobi up in mere seconds, biatch? How tha fuck she _really_ reacted, n' not whatever skanky act she put up in front of y'all ta you ta hide her vibe."**

Minatoz fists gots so tight dat if dat schmoooove muthafucka hadn't had instant regeneration up in dis place, da thug would have drawn blood. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! Dude would _not_ rise ta its bait. But a lil' small-ass part of his ass deep inside was afraid ta know what tha fuck Kushina had truly felt.

 **"Tell me, _Yondaime_ ,"** it sneered. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! **"Which of our asses is tha real monsta here, biatch? Me whoz merely shaped like one n' thus treated like one, or _you_ whoz ass has single-handedly gots tha title ten times over?"**

Minatoz graze grew steely. "If you wish ta battle me, then do so. Petty disses will accomplish nothing."

 **"Petty?"** the Kyūbi barked a cold-ass lil wack, mockin laugh. **"I aint NEVER gonna KNOW how tha fuck a human whoz ass has inflicted so much pain upon others could eva be at peace wit his dirty ass yo, but it seems you've managed tha impossible."**

It lifted its head away n' turned ta where light spilled over tha horizon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. **"As much as I would ludd ta destroy you, it seems thatz just as impossible as you beatin tha livin shiznit outta mah dirty ass. I have no intention of fightin dis meaningless battle wit you, Yondaime."**

Minato marveled all up in tha fact dat a cold-ass lil creature of such don't give a fuck bout was able ta use reason at all yo, but his schmoooove ass couldn't help but agree. There straight-up was no point ta all of all dis bullshit. Not no mo'.

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 **Authorz Note:** _Ya Mom shoulda told ya, I had dis scam stuck up in mah head fo' all dem months now n' itz bout time I straight-up freestyled it down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. This rap is pretty much how tha fuck two creatures dat have every last muthafuckin reason ta don't give a fuck bout each other become playas. Minato n' tha Kyūbi obviously aren't playaz yet, so dis will take a while._


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